1 out of 5 dentist....

So I had dentist appointment number 1... 2 root canals... Super fun... 2 hours of things the American dental association probably wouldn't approve of... Remember Zorro??? Oh yes... I spent 2 hours in the company of him and assistants... They led me back to the room, placed the bib on, and left me until Zorro could come in... He numbed me and left the room, for it to take effect... I lay there watching water drip out of the sprayer thing... I sat up to see where exactly it was dripping too.. Yep just as I thought... All over the floor, right by my chair...

I amused myself by counting water drips (there were a lot) and when he came back in to make sure I was numb (I was... My nose was even numb), I motioned toward the sprayer "Is that supposed to be dripping like that?" He looked at it.. "Yeah, probably not." Ok... Good to know... I had visions of his feet slipping in the water, causing his chair to come out from under him, and the drill to do something really really bad to me.. But whatever, he's the professional.. He never gave it a second thought...

He was well into the root canal, when one of the drill things fell to the floor, Crap.. He told assistant girl he was going to need a new one, (I really wanted to yell "5 second rule" but I refrained..) I'm pretty sure I did get a new one.. But who knows... They decided that would be a good time to take a break... They left some stuff jammed in my gums, told me to keep my mouth open, and left the room... 5 minutes later new assistant comes in, to take an x-ray... And she gave me a mouth prop... (Lucky me!!) then she left.. (Probably went to join the party with the 7 other assistants, and Zorro..)

15 minutes later, Zorro and assistant came back in (I think he came in with a different assistant each time, but I'm not sure.. They all rather look the same, except for the one with the nose ring).. He checked out the x-ray, and then started drilling again... Which was at that point, I started saying "OWWW!" "Can you feel that?" Shove the drill back in... "OOOOWWW."

"Huh...." (He sounded stumped)... "She can feel that." He looked at the x-ray again. "You shouldn't be feeling that."

Really??? Because I am.. Jackass....

Shove the drill in again, because maybe he's thinking this time I won't feel it.. "OOOOOOOWWWWWWW" (seriously, I soooo do not do well with pain... And I'm hard to numb, And seeing as how I have been seeing this guy for like 10 years, shouldn't he know this??? We go through this almost every time.. They have to numb me to clean my freaking teeth...)

"Well Desirae, I don't know why your feeling this, but I'm going to numb you up some more.."

He does as promised, then sticks some cotton in my mouth, tells me to bite down, and that he'll be back...

It took a long time for him to come back... I could no longer tell if I was biting down, my entire face was numb (including my nose) I was trying to breathe through my mouth, but I could feel the cotton hitting the back of my throat... I thought I was going to choke to death... But I didn't (That would have been bad for business.)

So Zorro came back, as did assistant... And they got to work... Here's the conversation that took place..

"So, Dr. Zorro (not real name) did you get anything good for father's day?"

"Nope.. I didn't get anything."

"Nothing??? That stepdaughter of yours didn't get you anything?? She should be kissing your butt since she wants you to buy her a car."

" Nope... I didn't even get laid!!"

"You didn't?"

"Nope.. I thought I'd at least get that."

"Well you're not her daddy."

I KID you not... Seriously... Who's dentist talks like this??? My parents had both came with me, but they had declined coming back with me.. (they are covering the bill.. TY!!!) I had wanted at least one of them to come back there, because Zorro NEVER says or does any of this while they are in with him... My dad wasn't even sure I was seeing the same dentist as him... I wanted them to hear this guy...

Bob goes to a different dentist, and I'm pretty sure his dentist doesn't talk like that... His dentist also doesn't apologize by saying "Sorry I know this feels and sounds like SHIT.."

When they got the lighter out, I was like Crap, Are they going to ask me to join in??? Break time already??? Assistant couldn't get the lighter to work... So Zorro, said "let me see it." His lighter skills were no better than hers.. She got up to go get a new one, and he threw the lighter across the room... (Why wouldn't you just lay it on the counter next to you?? Or wait, I guess he was probably very frustrated since the poor man didn't even get laid.. I'll let that one slide.)

And then, when he was putting in some filling, he'd tell her (she had the K-mart blue light special thing) "Hit that." "Hit that." "Hit that on the side." I told Bob that I was pretty sure it wasn't all in my head, that the man was being sexual... I mean why wouldn't he just say "Here." "Here." "And Here." Or maybe I just had sexual on the brain after his chat about not getting any...

Yep... Pretty sure, the American Dental Association wouldn't approve of his techniques... Or at least his exam room chats... I've got a cleaning tomorrow (It needs to be done, before I can get the teeth completely finished..)

Here's some more pictures I took of Cousin O.. the other day...

Cousin B., Aunt M., and Aunt B. went along with us... Here's a shot of all the taller people in my family... I was almost running to keep up with them (I say almost, because we know I don't run.)

Here's one of Turtle in the pool.. He swears he can swim now.. He can't... He can however touch the bottom, which to him... Means he can swim... Miss Gracie is doing really good with arm floaties.. She actually kicks her legs, gets around the pool, and best of all she's not hanging on me scared to death...

And here's one of Miss Gracie, with a chicken.. The kids begged me to keep the chicken as a pet.. My uncle told them, they could take it home with them if I said ok... No amount of "But he doesn't peck." "He's the nicest chicken ever." "He'll be the best pet." Would convince me to bring a chicken home..I explained that Lola would kill a chicken.. "Can we have him if the dogs die?" Sure.. Whatever... If our dogs die, you can have a pet chicken.. My kids were thrilled with this agreement... The ran back to the barn and my uncle screaming "Mom said, as soon as our dogs die, we can have him as a pet.. Maybe they'll die this week." That's my kids.. Always looking for the rainbow..

How I spent the hottest day of the year...

Since today was the hottest day in Indiana ever... Ok... Not Ever... But the hottest day of the year so far, I decided that I should start on Cousin O's senior pictures... What else did I have to do??? Seriously It was so freaking hot, you could barely breathe.. And of course heat makes my kids want to be carried... (Who doesn't want to forgo any kind of movement in 800 degree temperatures??) So anyways... Here are some that I took.. While we all, slowly melted...

Aunt B. went with the kids and I, and Cousin B. (Cousin O's brother) Was also with us... Aunt B. went under the guise of helper... She is now out, and Cousin B. is in... (Sorry Re... Love ya... But B. did get the ladder, plus he wanted to set live fireworks off near O... He's awesome!!!!!!!)
I really, really like that one.. Say you do too... Come on, freaking say it...



And of course we had to visit the train tracks.. Cousin B. thought it would be a super good idea if we sat there and waited until a train was coming straight at O... And while it might have made a cool picture, I for one was freaking out about my kids so close to the tracks (not on the tracks... but as close as they could get without getting in trouble.), and besides I'm not a fast mover, so if the train was coming straight at O.. that would mean it would also be coming straight at me... No Thanks.. I just kept thinking of Fried Green Tomatoes...




Cousin B. was all for putting his sister into the danger element... When we wished out loud that O, could somehow manage to get into the tree.. (And vine climbing failed to pan out... Luckily O. wasn't too far up the vine when it gave... just far enough to make us all lose our breath laughing and not from the heat..) B. managed to produce a ladder... He even held it steady while O. got in the tree... Of course then he took it away, and told her when she wanted down she needed to jump..

More at the rail road tracks... When I asked for suggestions, Cousin B. said tying O. to the tracks seemed pretty good.. (I hope he was kidding... At least he didn't magically pull rope out, like he'd been anticipating that moment since he was 4 and O. wouldn't let him play with her Polly pockets.)

Does it not feel like we were the only people around for miles... Yeah well we were... People with half a brain stayed in... Obviously, since we are all related, we must all have that lacking common sense thing going for us... Well, and the town consists of like 5 people... There's not even a gas station... They do however have a flashing light... Pretty impressive.... (and a liquor store... and really is there anything else a town needs??)

Poor O.. She was dying in her jeans... She still managed to muster up enough energy when we told her to jump... (numerous times. I'm thinking we were just seeing how well she would listen to us... Our little puppet...) I think she would still be there jumping, if I hadn't said "enough, lets go, before I die..."

I'm really jealous of her eyes... Only she and Aunt B. got blue eyes... Me.. I'm stuck with hazel (which is really just a fancy term for crap.)

You would not believe how much she whined about getting in these weeds.. (Aka, wonderful find on... was it my part?? Actually I think it was cousin B.'s part.. But I'm taking credit. Because I told them all what to be on the lookout for...) They scratched.. There were bees... Freaking suck it up, get in there, and smile like it's a cool 62 degrees, a...

And the those are the last two I have to show you...

There would have been more... Only at the third place, and the third outfit change, I was very very impressed with how Aunt B. hurdled the cable we had to go over (We really did have permission to be on that property.) She got over it, without hitting it at all.. Anyways I was so busy complimenting her (and the other stupid tall people Cousin O, and Cousin B.) that I dropped my camera lens... Right there.. On the gravel... Son of A freaking................... Are you kidding me??? Yeah... I broke it... That's what I get for being envious of the fact that EVERYONE on that side of my family is taller than me (actually I think everyone on my mom's side is ALSO taller than me.) Why am I 5'4, and everyone else is like 5'7 or taller than that??? I had just got done telling them 4 hours earlier that I was height challenged, I was moping over the fact that Cousin B. who's 14, seemed to have grown since LAST week... That kid is going to be over 6 foot.. Ridiculous... I got the short, fat genes... instead of the tall, skinny ones... There was a mistake in that paperwork... Let me tell you.... (heads are gonna roll!!!!!)

Anyways, tell me which ones you like so far..

Christas wish lists...

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I am asking for a new mom......


This is all I have heard for a week.... at least once an hour... "I'm asking Santa for a NEW mom."


Good you do that... I'd like to have a chat with Santa myself.. (Turtle must have Santa on the brain, because last week he actually sat down and wrote a letter to him, he wants new decepticons, new autobots, new minicons, and gas woman... I'm not sure exactly who gas woman is... Any clues??? He did not ask for a new mom on that letter... Right now they haven't put wish to paper.)

I'm all for it... In fact I snapped after the 54th time of hearing about how Santa was going to bring them the BEST mom ever... This mom would let them have fudge bars till they puked, Turtle wouldn't have to take a shower IF he played in the hose that day, Their new mom would share her make up with Miss Gracie, She'd let them play in traffic (or ride their bikes in the road), she would buy them EVERYTHING they wanted, they wouldn't get in trouble for jumping off the couch onto a slippery sleeping bag to see how far they can slide without slamming into each other or other pieces of furniture, Miss Gracie would be allowed to have a kitten (because new miracle mommy would train the dog from hell aka Lola not to eat new kitty, she probably also wouldn't mutter about killing said dog in front of her children after dog ate a huge bag of chocolate and then puked for hours the next day... New Mommy would probably sing while cleaning up chocolate dog puke..), They could say bad words like Shut up without New Mommy flipping out, Turtle could play play station ALL day (I allowed him to do that one day last week, and after he turned off the game, the kid thought he was megatron.. Literally... Sounds, Morphing, Fighting... No more all day game sessions for that kid.)

Ok New Mommy does sound pretty good... But anyways back to where I was... I snapped... Nothing like a 6 year old and a 4 year old to bring you back to the child like you... "Yeah.. You do that.. Ask Santa for a new Mommy.. Because I'm asking for some new kids... Kids that listen to me, and who won't tell me that they want a new Mom day and night..."

They just stared at me, and then Turtle said, "Yeah, well Santa's not going to bring you want you want.."


OHHHHHHHH... Reaaaaaaallllly... Guess what??? He's not bringing you what you want either... Don't you feel really bad for them?? Stuck with me as a mom??? This really mean control freak that much to Turtle's dismay worries all the time about him, (he wishes I'd get over it, because he's FINE... Sigh... I do believe my sister told me those were his words.) Yes I'm crazy with power, and I'm making their lives miserable (just wait till you are teenagers....)

Bob keeps telling the kids to be careful what they wish for, because new parents would be meaner than we are.. I haven't pointed out that they aren't asking for a new dad... Only for a new mom...

I did tell the SIL that I was thinking of taking my kids to the Dr. and explaining that my kids don't seem to be learning at the rate they are supposed to... Kids are supposed to be little sponges, right??? Quick to pick things up??? Their brains are supposed to take in huge amounts of information and absorb it all right???


Then why??? Do I find myself telling them the same things OVER and OVER and Over??? And when a new day comes around, they seem to have forgotten EVERYTHING they were supposed to take in the previous day... My kids are not sponging up.... Maybe I only THINK I am saying these things out loud to them... Things such as "NO, Stop Running, Please don't jump on the bed, Please don't climb, Stop fighting, I said NOW!!!, Knock it off," And I also don't think they understand counting... "I'm counting to three, and you better __________ (fill in the blank)... One, Two, Three" I almost ALWAYS get to three... do they not know that after two comes three??? How many times a day do I have to count to Three, before they soak in numerical order??? I even use fingers most of the time... (Oh god!!! Not counting out loud AND fingers... You know the law is about to be laid down, when that happens... RIGHT??) Yes... Maybe I am only thinking these things in my head, maybe that's why my kids aren't soaking up these day after day after day rules... No wonder they just tend to go on about their merry little way, doing whatever they were doing...


And the two of them just egg each other on... If Turtle continues to do something, Miss Gracie continues to do it... If Turtle stops, he tells Miss Gracie to keep on, then he sits back and lets the lessons begin... The other day, I really did open my mouth, and I was HEARD!!! Holy CRAP!!!!!!!!! The kids were screwing around, jumping, rough housing (which NEVER ends well.) I told them at least 5 times to quit... Or at least I think I told them.. I'm pretty sure sound was coming out of my mouth... I was rushing around getting ready for a dentist appointment, went back to my bedroom, and I swear I hadn't been out of the room for a full two minutes yet, when There was a Thud, and then Miss Gracie wailing... LOUDLY... I STOMPED back to the living room.. (I wanted to give them time to get out of the way, cause BIG MOMMA was coming through...) I didn't even bother to look to see if there was blood...

"THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!........... WHAT.... DID... I.... SAYYYYY???!!!!!!!.... GO.... TO... YOUR.... ROOMS......NOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!.............." This was ALL said in a LOUD roar... I mean loud... And holy crap, neither one of them tried to talk their way out of it.. There wasn't one "I'm sorry, it'll never happen again." "No we'll stop." No "We'll listen now." (Ever notice how kids around these ages are expert liars... Even kids as young as two, such as the SIL's little boy, know how to work these lies) No excuses of who did what, those kids RAN by me at breakneck speed, not even making eye contact... Hmmm... Maybe I'm not consistent... I probably should have told them to WALK... Oh well... I enjoyed the 30 minutes of solitude I had while they were scared of Mommy's breakdown in their room...

Come on august.. lol... No seriously... Where are you August???



Oh as for my dentist appointment... I'm still convinced The good ole dentist is having affairs with all the dental girls.. (There was a new batch this time.. I never see the same dental girl twice.).. One dental groupie liked my shirt... And the verdict.. Two root canals on this coming Monday... Am I excited??... You have no idea... It's going to buy me a few HOURS of peace... Who cares about the drill and the pain... It's going to be awesome!!!

I'm pretty sure Santa has something to do with this... I've been extra good so far this year...

4 year old survival skills

On the way to the park last Friday for our walk, I stopped at the gas station.. I lectured the kids before the car was even in park.. "You are not getting anything but a drink, do not ask because I am not buying anything else."

Of course this was met by a ton of whining, and begging.. "Please can we get some candy.. Please...!!!!!!!...."

"No... Drinks only..."

"But what if we get hungry??? We'll starve to death. Don't you even care about us?" This was thrown at me by Turtle..

"You had breakfast, you had ice cream, fruit snacks, Doritos, and god knows what else you had when I wasn't looking.. I'm pretty sure you won't die of starvation during our walk." (My children had only been up for 2 hours, and had already managed to consume enough to feed a village.)

Turtle started wailing about the injustice of it all... Miss Gracie was quick to follow his lead, until something occurred to her..

"Don't worry.." She said, grabbing her Tinkerbell purse. "I have some flowers in my purse that we can eat if we get hungry." I watched her face fall as she pulled wilted flowers out of her purse, "Oh NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!... They went bad.. I'm sorry, T.. We are going to starve.."

A while ago, when Miss Gracie was picking flowers during one of Turtle's ball game, she came up with a bunch of purple clovers... I made the mistake of reminiscing about how in first and second grade, my friends and I would eat them.. My cousin who was at the game that day, also remembered eating them when she was little, and she instructed Miss Gracie on how to eat them... And Miss Gracie has been hooked ever since... She's pretty generous, offering them to everyone near her.. I keep declining.. I just can't get the picture of a dog peeing on them out of my head...

Just so you know, Miss Gracie did not have to search out fresh flowers, I felt sorry for them and her wilted dead flowers, so they each got a bag of gummy bears... But can you imagine how proud I was with her living off the land survival instincts.. If she's this resourceful at 4, can you imagine her at 6?? Other things Miss Gracie carries in her purse, are one tube of Disney Princess lip gloss (there is nothing funnier, than hearing her say "Oh I should have put on more make up" before we get out of the car somewhere.) 3 ponies that she spilled fruit punch on, 1 of which also has a leg she chewed on, so now when she plays with them she has to call the Dr to come take care of them, (The fruit punch really does make them look like they have blood on them.) 25 LARGE rocks.. Which makes the purse extremely heavy (and a potential deadly weapon), which is why I usually end up carrying her Large purple velvet Tinkerbell purse.. And one recently re found bouncy ball, which has probably already bounced away again...


I am the queen of I told you so... Seriously, I love to say it... The only people that hate "I told you so" are the people that have to hear it... Weeks ago (when Turtle was still in school) I told Bob the brakes on the van felt funky... He pretended to listen to me, and said he would take it for a drive... Which he did.. 5 minutes later he (and my cousin who was with him) were back.. "They felt fine to me, I don't know what you were talking about, They stop.." Ummm... really... Ok.. Then.. I shook my head, and said "Whatever... There's something wrong with them.. I'm telling you.." Another week later, I complained that the brake light was on in the van.. "It's always on." Was Bob's reply... "Not like this." Yes I admit that when you hit a good bump in the road, the brake light and the ABS light would come on, but if you hit another good bump in the road they would go back off.. Now as soon as I started the car, ONLY the brake light was on, and it never went off.. No amount of hitting pot holes was jarring that light off... Bob pretended to jiggle the emergency brake... "It's not the freaking emergency brake.. I'm telling you it's THE BRAKES... The ONES that make the car STOP at the times you want them too.."


"It's fine." (Seriously, I'm rolling my eyes, right now, because I can still hear these conversations with him.) So anyways last week, on our way to town, especially on Friday, I'm pretty much convinced that the only thing that made my van come to a stop was the fact that I was creeping along, and praying under my breath... On the way home from town Friday, the brakes were so bad, The radio was off, the kids were warned not to say a word, and I had my plan of action down, I figured if I needed to I could whip the van through a field to make it slow, I'd just have to dodge the telephone poles on entry... I breathed easy when I saw no cars coming from other directions when I was trying to stop... I even told the SIL at the park that day, that if anything happened to the kids and I on the way home, to please tell Bob "I Freaking TOLD you SO!!!" (Hey it might not have been nice, but I do LOVE being right.)

We made it home... And Saturday morning we all got up to go to Turtle's practice.. Bob got in the drivers seat of the van, and we started off... It wasn't even two minutes down the road, when Bob said "Hmmm..."

"What??"

"There's something wrong with the brakes."

"Really??!!!! what was your first clue?"

"I'll check them out when we get home.. I'll take it over to Mom's... So I can pull it in the garage.. The lines probably need bled. You'll have to help."

"Doing what??!!" Seriously car work is not my thing, it's gross, you smell like mechanic.. I hate that smell, (I also hate the smell of the outdoors.. When my kids come inside after playing all day, if they smell like the out doors, it makes me gag... It's just gross.)

"Or maybe K. can help" K is my cousin.. The one who went on the fake brake test drive...

So after practice, and after K. got to our house, they headed over to his parents... Which is where I ended up a little while later when Aunt M. came over to get the kids and we realized Bob had drove off with their car seats in the van... When we got there, Bob informed me, that by the time he and K. got to his parents (5 minutes away) they had no brakes at all.. According to Bob he barely managed to not hit the garage... Oh.. The brakes didn't need bled... Something went bad under the hood (80 bucks worth of bad, since we bought the part that day, instead of waiting 2 to three days to save 30 bucks) which in turn made brake fluid leak freely... Bob just can't figure out where it all went.. (Gee could it be that dark patch of liquid on the ground under where I park the van, that I pointed out to Bob a while ago, asking what's that???? He said it was nothing.. Are you shocked???)

Being the supportive person that I am, oh who am I kidding.. I was right, he was wrong, and I was pissed that he hadn't listened to me when I said something weeks ago... "So basically, I was right... And You were wrong.. And you didn't listen to me, even though I KNEW what I was talking about.. How many times are you going to ignore me when I tell you something is wrong??? Do you like hearing me say I told you so?? I'm waiting for an apology, and for a promise to actually check something out, when I tell you something is wrong.." (There was more to it than that.. Two days worth of me rubbing in how right I was.)

And I did get an apology... Although I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it.. And he did promise to listen next time I tell him something is funky... (I'm not holding my breath..)


On Sunday, Turtle was throwing a baseball in the air and catching it.. He started throwing it up so high it was getting caught on tree branches.. "Be careful.. Your going to get hit in the face with it, doing that."

Did he listen???? Of course not... He's too much like his father... "NO, I won't. I can see it." He caught it to prove me wrong, and turned to grin at me, that smart aleck "you don't know anything" grin...

Less than 5 minutes later, He caught the ball again... With his mouth... He busted his lip, refused to let me see if his teeth were all still where they should be, and then he proceeded to cry... Well scream Loudly for the next two hours... That "I told you so" wasn't as satisfactory as the one I got to say to Bob... I'm pretty sure Turtle didn't hear my saying "What did Mommy tell you was going to happen??? Are you going to listen next time??" I could barely hear me over his screaming... God he's just like his dad...


At least Miss Gracie usually has the sense to listen to me... The proof is in the wilted flowers her mommy told her she could eat that she carries around in her purse...

Love...

Today while putting up some DVDs, I happened to glance at the side of the TV... Apparently I rarely do this, because I was surprised to see this...





An amazing family portrait, compliments of one of the people I gave birth too....

I was even able to tell which one of my children did it (because I'm that good...), I tracked him down to find out what he had to say for himself....


I started with the obvious... "I just found a drawing of me, daddy, you, and your sister on the side of the TV... Would you have ANY idea who drew it??"


Turtle had that deer in the headlight, how much should I tell her look... He opted to go with a lie tied into a question... "Ummm... Maybe Miss Gracie did it??" He looked soooooo hopeful that I would buy this... I was really rooting for him too...

"Really??? Because I have seen how your sister draws the family, and this really doesn't look like her drawing... Is that the answer you are going to stick with??? Or would you like to take another try at telling me who drew on the side of the TV?"

"Well... It might have been me.."

"Yeah, that's what I thought... Why exactly would you draw a picture of us on the side of the TV of all places???"

"Because I Love ALL of my family.."

I stood there thinking about this awesome love he has for his family, a love so great he feels compelled to draw on items... I mean sure I love the kids, and Bob, but you don't see me spray painting the family on the side of my poorly parked van.

"And also... Because YOU wouldn't give me any more of your yellow paper... If you had given me that paper when I asked, I wouldn't have had to draw on the TV..."


The child has access to plain white paper, coloring books, tablets, and he wants the yellow pads of paper I bought to jot down notes when I'm on ancestry.com... I should have known it wasn't this all consuming love he has for his family that made him become a small time vandal...


I guess I should just be thrilled that he finally drew Miss Gracie in his family portraits.. Normally he leaves her out, but includes the dogs, and a couple of transformers... So that's something right???

Job Well Done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've got a secret admirer... There is someone out there in the world (and not even that, my very own home town!!!!) who feels the need to tell me of a job well-done....

Oh yes... It's framed!!!!!!

Now I have thought of nothing else but the masterful parker who felt the need to leave me info on my own parking ability ever since I found this under my windshield wiper... (The date: Today.. The place: Kroger... The time... Sometime around 3:30...) Ok I'm lying, I've thought of other things, but I did take the time to retrieve this off of my van floor, and frame it... Because we can always learn from our mistakes right???? Now in retrospect, I wish I myself had felt the need to express myself through an awesome note, delicately placed under a windshield wiper (or not so delicately, Bob pointed out that he thought our windshield might be a tiny bit cracked where the note was placed..)

However the fates were against me today... For one, I did not have a tiny pad of paper with me... (Note to self, by tons of post it's to carry with me, so as to alert people to their parking capabilities..) And the biggest fate against me... I couldn't get out the drivers side door, I had to climb through the back of the van to exit through the kids door...

So I will compose the letter I would have left had I been thinking on my feet.....

To whom it may concern... (AKA Master parker...),

Perhaps my parking abilities are not up to fast and furious, stunt driving, movie star requirements, and I fully accept this.. I know I will never, ever in my life be able to parallel park, but I don't lose sleep over it..... However if you look, my car is parked directly in front of the car in front of it.... So if we were to take this into account, the problem might not be with my parking, but more so with yours... While I sympathise with your need to take up two spots, I mean if I had a Super freaking cool black 1990s two door, with minor rust spots, and 3 missing hubcaps piece of shit ride, I would be worried someone would try to mess with it... But I don't... Unfortunately.... While I make my Van look cool when I am behind the wheel, in parking lots I only have to use one space... I'm pretty sure there is no one walking around my van, while I'm grocery shopping, going daaaaaaaaammmmmmmmn, I wish that sweet ride could be mine... So see I totally sympathise, with your need to take up two spots to protect your ride... It's how you roll, homie... (can I call you homie??)....

Now when I first spotted the empty slot on the right side of your car, I visualized my van there.... I knew it was going to be a tight fit, but Seeing as how the tiny parking lot (because you must agree this parking lot is little), and how all the other close spots were full, and after hearing about busted windshields if you park in the back rows far from the doors (have you heard about that??? IS IT YOU????) I opted to whip my van into the spot.... Once I had my van in there, I realized how close I was to you... I even thought about backing up... But my kids were already unbuckled, and lets be honest, if you thought my parking was atrocious, my backing up probably would have made you pass out... I might have bumped your car, and knocked off that last remaining hub cab you are probably very very proud of... So see... I pretty much did you a favor... If I had knocked off your hubcap, and moved to another spot, you might not have known which windshield to leave your note under...

And as for your note... Why were there two sheets of paper??? But only one was wrote on?? At first I thought maybe you were leaving me your phone number, that perhaps you wanted to give me parking pointers.. Bummer.... You could have totally made that second sheet work for you.. I personally would have filled it with exclamation points only... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I probably really would have understood how disgusted you were with my parking... Instead you left me with no punctuation... None.. Not a period, Not a question mark, nothing... I was very saddened by the lack of exclamation marks... And I would have wrote the note all in Capital letters... If you want to get your point across really get it across.. Make punctuation work for you!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your message conveyed confusion, and said to me, that you were hurrying to get the hell out of there, before the crazy parker came out to kick your taking up two spots ass.. Did you see the car seats in the back seat, and think Oh shit, she's got back up????

I will think of your eloquent note often, at least for the next few times I park at the local Kroger... Perhaps our fates will cross once again... Fingers crossed!!!!!!!!! (See how the punctuation is working for me??) And as per your instructions I will learn how to park... Next time I will get even closer to a two spot taker upper... On their drivers side... (maybe it will be you!!!!!!!!)

See you around town, my fellow parking extraordinaire...

The Idiot...

aiming for chickens...

Miss Gracie asked me tonight if I was getting too old... I'm not exactly sure what exactly she thought I was getting too old for, but I answered with "Well I'm getting older, but I'm not to old." She kept asking what happens when I get too old... I just kept saying "Well then I guess I get old." Turtle jumped into the conversation by asking Bob if he was older than me (He is.) which had Miss Gracie asking Bob what happens when he gets too old.. Bob, who is ever ready to reassure our children, and make them be the optimistic happy little children they should be answered with "Well then I die." OMG... Has he never read an article on children???? I mean yes, explain death when it happens, because obviously it happens, but don't make them worry needlessly...

And his reply, had both of the kids worrying for the half an hour ride in the car.. Turtle "So if you are older you will die first." "And then mommy will die" (I like to think there was a long pause here as my children thought of the horror of that... More than likely they were thinking about who their nice new mommy would be, since they are always telling me that they want a new mom, because any mom would be nicer than me, especially Aunt M.. I explained that the only reason Aunt M. is nice is because she has no kids.. I used to be fun and nice, and then I had kids.. Turtle and Miss Gracie are not buying that.. lol.) I explained that by the time mommy died the kids would be older, and wouldn't need me.. "We'll always need my mommy." Tucker whined with panic... And Miss Gracie was frantic "We'll be alone, what will we do." We won't have any one to watch us..." Way for Bob to answer them huh??? Geez... I hope we aren't talking about mine and Bob's impending death because we are too old for days to come..

Anyways, the kids and I have been walking at the park everyday with the SIL and her little boy... Every morning without fail since school let out. (Well except for one day last week because it was storming.) I'm about over it.. It's just sucking up too much time.. 3 hours walking is a lot of time, especially when I end up carrying a child in one arm, and dragging a bike that another child PROMISED they would ride this time up a hill... Today the kids weren't with me (they stayed with my aunt last night.) and when the SIL and I realized that I wasn't getting my normal workout, we walked an extra long time... The kids have fun once the walk is over... One day they got to play in the creek at the park (we convinced the SIL her son would be ok..), and we had a picnic lunch one day... That takes up the whole morning (and sometimes part of the afternoon)

We went to the drive-in the other night, and ran into Turtle's soccer coach from last year.. They parked by us, and Turtle and her little boy had a blast playing with each other before the movies started (and even after the movies started..) I got to hold her itty bitty two week old baby.. Oh My Gosh, he was so freaking cute... It also depressed me though, because we had found out we were pregnant at the same time last year, our first appointments were on the same day, and we all know how mine ended... Hers however ended on a happy note...


Miss Gracie and I went to a graduation party, where for the most part we watched these kids driving themselves around in a golf cart at high speeds.. I was waiting for it to flip, I kid you not.. Miss Gracie (ever the wary one) refused all offers of invites to ride... And I was confident that my child was not going to be riding in a golf cart driven by a speed loving child... Until I got home to Bob and Turtle, and was told how their day had went.. They had went out to a friends house for Bob to check out a side job and for Turtle to play with their little boy (Their son was on Turtle's ball team, and Turtle has been forever telling us this child is his best friend.) Bob loved telling me about how Turtle's 6 year old friend drove himself and Turtle around in a golf cart all day.. I was freaking out, yelling at Bob about how a 6 year old does not have the capacity to react properly if something is going wrong, how in their panic they are more likely to floor the gas, than hit the brake... So Bob switched tactics by telling me how close my child was to the edge of the dock while fishing that day... He also enjoyed telling me how he was telling Turtle best friends parents how if I was there, all I would have said all day was "No." "No, Stop that." "I don't think so." When C.'s mom would say oh I wish Miss Gracie and I had came, Bob would say "No you don't, all she would have said was No, and she would have been a nervous wreck." He has no faith in me... Yes, I tend to panic when my kids are near water (especially water that I can't see them if they go under in) And yes, I would have said no to Turtle's request to be driven around by a 6 year old. But does that make me a bad person.. NOOOOOO.. That makes me sane....


I hit a bird today, on my way to pick up the kids... A very pretty yellow bird... And luckily it stayed in the grill of the van for my children to admire... Miss Gracie yelled at me for hitting a chicken, and Turtle wanted to know why I hit it.. I tried explaining how it was an accident, but he didn't buy it... He then questioned me about how many birds I've hit in my life... I said about 5... Then I told the kids to ask B. and O. (my cousins) about the Turtle I ran over when I was first learning to drive... B. and O. talked about the poor Turtle I tried to swerve to miss and failed for years... Turtle got extremely upset about the idea of me hitting and killing a Turtle.. Bob even tried to one up me, by telling about the time he hit and killed a dog... Turtle's thoughts "I don't care about dogs, but I love turtles how could you kill one???.." It must be the week of make me feel bad about things I have hit, because at the graduation party the other day, the little girl asked me if I remembered the deer I had hit... She happened to be in the car with me, because I was babysitting her that week, she was about 7 then, I was 17... I told her that of course I remembered... I asked her if she remembered what my only words to her back then were... She did... I said "DON'T TELL." and of course being a 7 year old, that was the first thing she did... She ratted me out, leading to a lecture about fast driving, etc... etc... ... Come to think of, I never baby sat her again... lol...


The kids and I bought snappers (those things you throw at the ground so they pop.) Which were a big hit and tons of fun, until Miss Gracie threw one too close to Turtle, it hit his ear and exploded, which left him crying... And Miss Gracie with the poppers ripped away from her.. See how much fun and how nice their mom tries to be??? And see how I am rewarded???

There have been lots of daily fights between the kids, and I am longing for August... (I'm only kidding... Well kind of.) Actually summer is going really fast so far... We've got our new routine, and for now it's working... We are planning on camping this summer (always sooo much fun, more so for everyone but me.. It always sounds like fun, but ends up being a lot of work and stress)... The kids want to go back to Holiday World sometime this summer... There's a carnival setting up in town.. My uncle told me he is getting Indians tickets for him, Bob, Turtle, and my cousin (which means Miss Gracie and I could do something alone.)... Turtle is counting down the days till the Transformer movie comes out.. (He has also informed me I can't go, because it's for boys only... Hate to break it to him, but I'm going.. If I watch it with him AFTER he's already seen it, he will tell me everything that's going to happen... I want to watch his face while he sees it for the first time.) I'm going with my Mom, and Aunt sometime in July, to another state... (Well maybe.. I've been thinking about it, and I've never been away from my kids for more than a night, let alone 5 nights... It makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it.. Plus the kids freaked out... Miss Gracie wanted to know who was going to take care of them and feed them, and when I said Daddy would, Turtle said he was going with mommy... He knows better than to take chances.)


I swear when I was younger summer lasted longer... At least the days lasted longer... Maybe I am getting too old.... (Don't let Miss Gracie know.)